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All my life I’ve known grief can take as many shapes as death can. Both are unique to the person they affect but are universally shared in individual emotional journeys. No one can tell you how to grieve just like no one can tell you how to die. But people can support you in those journeys and show up for the difficult moments, the long days, the small victories, and even for the mundane, boring days in between.
You would think that because I’m studying all things grief and death, it would be easier to get past the emotional hurdles of losing a parent. My dad’s death at the end of last year made me realize that no one is immune to it. I have never cried like that in my life and I still have those days when it all comes back at the most inconvenient times. I’ve had to pull over and cry in my car after long days of class. I’ve had to excuse myself in the embalming room to take some deep breaths in the bathroom and wash my face. If anything, school has made it harder to grieve.
Growing up, I never thought I would be so far away from my family. I was always close in proximity to my parents, my brother, my aunt, my uncle, and respective grandparents. When my maternal grandparents died, it was hard. It was hard to watch my mother go through the process of handling all the paperwork, planning, legal fees, etc. I was next to her in a lot of those arrangement rooms and, eventually the cremation center. I was sad. I was sad that she was too busy to feel anything about the whole ordeal. She held it together until it was all done and even then, I think it was a while before it really felt real to her.
It felt really different being in the arrangement room with my mother and brother when my dad died. I had a year and a half of mortuary school under my belt and I knew exactly what was going to happen and why it had to happen. I watched how the funeral director presented himself and walked us through options and all I could picture were school assignments and study guides. I held it all together then, just like my mother did during her own parent’s arrangements. I mean, I was the “future funeral director” so I was supposed to know how all this worked. But from my seat, all I felt like was a girl who lost her dad.
We saw my dad for a short ID viewing at the end of the arrangement conference and it hit me. I really needed to see him because the last time I had seen him was in a hospital bed hooked up to a dozen monitors. Being so far from home made it easier to convince myself that he wasn’t like all the other cases I’d worked on or learned about in school. He was peaceful looking. He was wrapped in a beautiful quilt and it reminded me of him laying down for his afternoon naps when I was growing up. I am so thankful for that small bit of time with him.
I think being in mortuary school while grieving is a completely different animal than anyone might imagine. On one hand, you’re learning all about the psychology, ceremony, history, and science behind death and dying, but on the other, you’re processing what it all uniquely means to you in this very vulnerable time in your life. The staff and faculty have all been where I am and have had to power through seminars, embalmings, and other funerals, while still processing their own losses. So, they help a lot. They understand if it all becomes too much and I have to step out for a minute during class. For that, I’m extremely grateful too.
The first weekend after my dad’s funeral I had to be back in Pittsburgh to help with an embalming case. I was terrified. I remember standing in the front office of the prep center and taking a deep breath, telling myself that this person and this person’s family need me just like how I needed people like me back home. I let my embalming team know that I may be a little shaky. They were absolute angels and made sure I felt comfortable. The dean of the school was the proctor and even he was light-hearted in a way that felt easier to wade through what was in front of us all. By the end of the case, I felt better about my ability to get through the harder days.
I know that it isn’t going to be easy. That’s the first thing they tell you in mortuary school. Juggling all of these emotions will take a lot of grace and persistence. My feelings are, now that I have been through this kind of loss firsthand, it will teach me how to help others with their own. My dad was a wonderful, gentle soul. He was rough around the edges, but I think life puts those edges there to show people all the things you’ve made it through. And, that makes it easier to spot those who have been through it too. Let people see those vulnerable spots and share your unique journey with someone else. It may be the exact right time for you both to learn and grow together.
